Sniper x the Quest for His New Wife
by RoyalMermaid
Summary: "I will send my condolences to your kangaroo wife!" Now with a new meaning. After his kangaroo dies, Snipers parents expect him to get a wife. But after spending most of his life living in a van, pissing in jars, and killing people he simply doesn't know where to look. Then he is struck with an idea, why not go after the mercenaries? This is a touching story.
1. Sniper x His Wife

It was relaxing to be back in his home country. Sure, he missed the constant thrill of danger that being the Sniper brings, but for now he's content with being Mick Mundy, if only for a few weeks. And one of the requirements of being Mick Mundy is to take care of his wife.

"C'mere miss, dinner time."

He hasn't thought of a name for her yet, he's gone for so long and he doesn't even think about it. Naturally he hasn't told anyone about her yet, if someone knew he'd been married to a kangaroo for 9 years...

Pellets clanged around as they fell into the food bowl, and Snipers wife hopped up to eat. Why did his parents think this was a good idea? Just because he isn't as "Aussie" as everyone else, because he can't find a wife, because he needs to "fit in." Sniper was certain that it was somehow racist against Australians to see that as fitting in. They expected grandchildren as well, how the hell do you impregnate a kangaroo?

A voice inside his head told him practice was the key. A professional with standards uses practice and has a plan and whatnot. To which he responds with; moral issues aside it is biologically impossible to impregnate a kangaroo. God when did he get such a fucked up conscious. But the Sniper will practice, just not on kangaroos. Maybe someday he'll get the chance to not be a pathetic virgin. He'd rather snuggle with his old and dying kangaroo though than spend a night with a $50 cheap whore like the Scout. He'll miss that kangaroo.

* * *

 **Three Days Later**

* * *

Sniper placed his bouquet of flowers on Gracie's grave. Now that she's dead he decided it was time to give her a name. And a beautiful name it was, just like her. Unfortunatly, his parents now expect him to find a new wife. If he isn't fast enough about it this time they will pick for him, and there was a high chance of the Sniper being married off to another kangaroo. The problem was, who was he going to marry? Hot women avoid him like the plague, making it difficult to choose a worthy wife. He _has_ spent his whole life living in a van and pissing in jars, that would limit his choices by a lot. He was also a mercenary, so he'd have to marry someone okay with that. He'd prefer his wife to be smaller than him, admire his skill, be much cleaner than him, and be cute at the same time. Seeing how the pool is so small, Sniper has to give up and add men to the list. Who says your wife can't be a man? No one, that's who.

And so his quest for a wife begins.


	2. Pyro

The Sniper didn't find the appeal to marrying any of his teammates. He didn't even think he was homosexual, he just desperately did not want to marry another kangaroo. A man has his limits. So he decided to start with the Pyro, because its gender was up to debate. Sure, the thing was terrifying but any chance of landing an actual woman was always a welcome one. Plus, whatever it was it had a nice butt.

Asking them out wasn't difficult, and they seemed excited to have a boyfriend. Honestly, they aren't as intimidating as Sniper originally thought. Pyro passes their time playing with balloons and drawing with crayons. Not exactly the ideal activities of a supposed demon from hell.

* * *

It's been a few weeks since Sniper and Pyro started dating. Each second that passes is like living hell to Sniper. What once used to be rather cute about the Pyro is just annoying as fuck, Sniper always smells like gasoline now, and if he complained about anything Pyro would either get angry or start crying. Sniper was at least hoping their relationship would have some level of "oh cool, I'm dating someone batshit insane. Now I don't have to worry about face-to-face confrontations," but even that lost its shine. There is nothing left to do but wait and hope Pyro cuts off their relationship. Which is actually a very traumatic experience and which leaves Sniper in the infirmary for several weeks.

Oh god, was dating crazy mercenaries a bad idea?

* * *

 **Hey everyone! Sorry for the long wait, also sorry for the length. All of these have been written several months ago, I've only recently decided to actually post them. Sorry about that! I'm so glad that it's already gotten so much attention. I promise they get much longer as they continue, but we won't get out of the pit of old writing until Scout. Thanks for reading.**


	3. Soldier

Every man has his faults, various things that make others tick. But then there are the select few whose entire existence seems to curse others. The Soldier is one of these people, Sniper thought to himself. Loud and obnoxious, it was hard to ignore the man. It wouldn't be quite as bad if everything he said wasn't stupid and unintelligible.

"I've noticed your efforts in wooing these mercenaries, son!" The older merc practically yelled in his face, "And I say you've been doing it all wrong! Haven't you heard of proper wooing? There are no punches being thrown at all! Not to mention of lack of the birds and the bees."

That got Snipers attention. "The birds and the bees? As in sex?"

"Yes, exactly! That's the only way to land a lover! That's how I wooed Zhanna." Ignoring that fact that Zhanna put the moves on Soldier, Sniper watched as the man turned into his room and retrieved something. He then ran off saying he would be back with the rest of the needed 'wooing supplies'.

Filled with dread, Sniper decided to follow him to tell him he didn't need help with that that. Being lectured by Soldier and given 'supplies' in the name of sex was beyond embarrassing.

Sniper found the man in Medic's lab, keeping his balance on a teetering ladder. He was messing around in the rafters, doing what Sniper couldn't even begin to guess at. He did notice a jar on the desk by the ladder- what the hell, was that filled with bees?

Turning to leave, the bushman decided to never ask Soldier for help with anything, cringing as he heard the ladder fall over and the sound of glass breaking. He closed the door on Soldiers muffled screams as he was stung by all the bees that escaped from the jar.


	4. Scout

A blur went past as Sniper left Medic's lab. It circled back and stopped in front of Sniper. Scout winked and did a thumbs up at the imaginary camera before asking the bushman an obnoxious "What's up, dumbass?" Sniper sighed, already annoyed with Scouts antics.

Walking away, he decided to pretend the younger man didn't exist. His efforts were fruitless as Scout simply followed him, jogging backwards as he prattled off some stupid story about his brothers. Sniper attempted to tune him out, but to no avail.

"...and then I was like, 'I'm way past cool!' and then he was like-"

Sniper groaned loudly and went to punch him, but the Scout dodged it, laughing. Jesus fucking christ.

"You're too slow!" Scout taunted, doing a backflip out of a window. "Gotta go fast!"

No, Sniper couldn't do this anymore. He was going to have a mental breakdown. His co-workers were so helplessly stupid, why did he ever think this was a good idea? Was there anyone here with any brains? Someone who can form a coherent thought, or even think to begin with? Also, it'd be nice if they could appreciate the true humor of throwing jars of piss at people as a form of karate...

* * *

 **So I uploaded the same chapter twice somehow? Sorry about that guys, here's the REAL Scout chapter! No, I'm not above making this.**


	5. Engineer

Thinking about people with brains reminded Sniper of something. Or rather, someone. Now who does he know that's really smart? Well, speak of the devil. Old western music played on nearby speakers as the man Sniper wanted swaggered in, his Texas Ten Gallon tilted slightly to the left.

"Howdy there, pardner." Engie nodded his head in Snipers direction. "I heard you needed help findin' a purdy lady friend. Now look here son, datin' ain't all that easy. It's like ridin' a horse in the wild west for the first time and that horse is buckin' like crazy 'cause it's on fire in an oilfield. Trust me, I've done both and they're very similar."

He then took a box that appeared out of nowhere and sat on it, plucking the strings of his guitar that he removed from behind his back.

"Now let me sing ya a lil' diddy for inspiration and competence. You know, like how a bard does in that Dungeons and whatzit." Engie grinned and started playing. Unfortunately, Sniper had already left. He didn't want to hear another stupid country song, much less one from Engie about his love life. This just wouldn't do, there aren't any mildly sane mercs here at all!

* * *

 **Hey there! I know it's been a while since I've last updated, but I'm here now! All that aside, I want to inform anyone reading this that I am currently working on a visual novel based off of this fic! I know that sounds like a load of horsecrap with how little I update, but it's true. And it's almost done, so you don't have to wait long. It features never before told parts of the story, including choices, endings, and a bonus scene! Also art made by the wonderful DealerofCards on Steam! When this fic is done I should have the game finished as well, and for more information follow me on tumblr at .com. See ya then!**

 **(Also sorry for short chapter I wrote this a year ago and I don't want to add to it. I will make it longer in the game and include a choice branch where you can choose to actually date Engie! Isn't that great?!)**


	6. Medic & Heavy

Sniper had an idea. Instead of trying to find a sane merc, he's decided to find the craziest. If he goes crazy, maybe he'll find what he wants? It's worth a shot, since what he's been doing hasn't been working.

Now, for the craziest mercenary. This ought to be obvious.

Medic is in his infirmary, cleaning up broken glass and dead bees.

"Hey Medic-"

"I know why you're here, and no."

"But-"

"No."

Sniper felt like crying. Never has he been rejected so painfully.

"Why, Medic?"

"Because I'm already fucking Heavy. I don't need two children on my hands."

"I am not a child, doktor." Heavy's voice piped up from the door to Medics office, "But yes, my Medic is taken."

Then Heavy and Medic shared those disgusting sweet looks that couples give each other. Yup, they're doing each other up the butt.

"Can we like, discuss a threesome or something? Please?"

"He does look like he needs it, doktor." Heavy said.

"Hmm... I guess I am feeling merciful. Okay, let us have a threesome."

"Aw fuck yes. When and where baby? Uh, babies."

Heavy cringed. Medic relayed that they'll be doing it after dinner in Medics room. Then Medic kicked him out so that Medic could work. As Sniper was leaving the infirmary, a blur ran into him. Sniper fell on his ass as Scout laughed. Soldier emerged from behind the door with a smirk on his face.

"So! My advice must have worked!" Soldier yelled, looking pleased with himself.

"What advice? You fell on some bees."

"Exactly! It's the subtleties that count."

"Hey dipshits, lets talk about what's really important here. Sniper is getting laid by two psychos when he could have just asked me. You know I charge $50, right?" Scout raised an eyebrow, arms crossed.

"I don't want to catch every STD imaginable, thanks."

Scout shrugs, "Oh well, I can still tell ya my life's story. So I was raped by an Australian when I was younger-"

But Sniper had already left.

* * *

Later, after dinner was finished, Sniper found himself in front of Medics door. His hand hovered over it, hesitant to knock. Terrible scenarios flashed through his head. What if he was walking into a German sex dungeon? What if he had sex crazed koalas? Oh god, what if there were bees involved?!

His thoughts were cut short when the door opened. Standing there was Medic... completely dressed.

"Hello Herr Sniper, we have decided to call off the threesome."

"What, why?"  
"Someone told us you were infected with every STD, so we decided to call this off. Goodbye."

The door closed in Snipers face. Well shit, and he wanted to guilt Medic and Heavy into marrying him by tricking them into taking his virginity and impregnating him with their child. Oh well. On to the next merc! Demo is looking good in that skirt of his...

* * *

 **Hope you enjoyed! Progress on the visual novel is at about 40% complete. Please check it out when it's done!**


	7. Demo

Sniper needs to find Demo. He wants to ask the man out on a date, but he is nowhere to be found. He was as elusive as Scout when it's his turn to do dishes.

He found Demo drinking in his room. Honestly, Sniper shouldn't be surprised. The man was always getting wasted. And wasted he was, spouting unintelligible gibberish. Now is Snipers chance.

"Hey mate, I was wonderin' if you'd like to go on a date with me?"

"I know natta... fing..." Demo let out a large belch. "Aye!"

"I'll take that as a yes. We can go later when you've uh... sobered up a bit."

"I love ya man." Demo hiccuped and fell over.

Sniper got the hell out of there before things got any weirder. There, now Sniper had a date. He just had to plan out where and when it should be.

Later, Sniper loaded himself and Demo into his van, Demo drinking like the world was ending. What was the point of getting him sober when he was gonna get drunk again?

When the van stopped, Demo looked out to find himself at a zoo. Sniper noticed that the zoo is the only place within miles that wasn't wildly expensive for them to have their date at. It's weird how things work like that.

Sniper and Demo got in line for their tickets. Once they were inside the zoo, Sniper grabbed a map and lead them through the zoo. They saw monkeys, koalas, elephants, and more. Their date was going smoothly until they passed by the kangaroos. As they watched them hop around, Sniper thought about how Gracie hopped around. When they ate, Sniper thought about how Gracie ate. And when they got too close, Sniper remembered how bad Gracie smelled. He missed Gracie so much that a single tear ran down his cheek.

"Oi, what's wrong mate? Ya ain't bein' a lass now ain't ye?" Demo looked up at him.

"Nah mate, I'm just thinkin' about my wife."

"Your what now?!"

Uh oh.

"Ye didn't tell me ye was married! This is mighty shameful of ye. We're gonna have to call this off."

"But she's dead, mate."

"Doesn't matter, ye still got an oath don'tcha? Plus, I kinda got my eye on another. This lovely koala from the last exhibit. More attractive than you no doubt!"

Sniper couldn't believe it. He was less attractive than a koala?! How was he supposed to find a wife now? It's hopeless, he may as well give up.

* * *

 **This is the fastest I've ever put a chapter up!**

 **Well guys, it's been fun. One more chapter and this is done! I can't believe it, I've been working on it since sophomore year and I'll be finishing it my senior year, haha. I'll write this into the visual novel quickly then immediately get to work on the last chapter. See ya then!**


	8. Spy

Sniper stood out on the balcony of his base. He was dejected, all his attempts at getting a wife has failed. No one wanted to marry him and he was going to have to deal with marrying another kangaroo.

Footsteps echoed behind Sniper. He didn't bother turning around. Someone leaned up against the railing beside Sniper, arms crossed on it.

"What is bothering you, mon ami?" Spy asked. "We have not spoken since you arrived! I want to know what you have been up to."

Spy, surprisingly enough, was Snipers best friend. Unfortunately, Sniper hasn't seen him since his wife died because he was so caught up in finding a new wife.

"Yeah, mate. Well, you see, I've been married to a kangaroo because my parents forced me into it, right? And this kangaroo dies, so in a desperate attempt to not marry another kangaroo, I go searching for another wife. I've been dating our teammates this past month and no luck. I think I'm just destined to be married to a kangaroo..." Sniper stared down at his feet, feeling at an utter loss.

"Well, you have not tried me yet."

"What?!"

"Just throwing it out there."

"Well, do you want to try it?"

"Maybe. This may sound silly, but I have had a crush on you for a while."

"That does sound silly."

"Oh, shut up!"

"Are you sure you want to try this?"

"Oui. As sure as I can be."

"Okay then. Let's go on a date."

The next day Sniper took Spy to a restaurant. Even though it was expensive he assumed it would appeal more to the Spy's tastes than a zoo would. After the date they went back to the base. They stood in front of Spy's door, talking.

"So I'd say that was a success. That's a first for me, normally my dates end horribly." Sniper chuckled.

"Ah yes. And when you threw jarate at the waiter? Magnificent! And we barely made it out with our lives when we discovered the hidden mafia." Spy smiled fondly.

"Yeah mate. Well uh... goodnight?" Sniper stood there awkwardly.

"Oh, kiss me you piss throwing bushman!"

And Spy leaned in. Then Sniper leaned in.

When their lips touched they molded together perfectly, like long lost lovers. Sparks went off in Sniper's mind, and Spy realized that he was dating a man with nothing to his name but a camper van and a gun. And he didn't even mind, not in that moment.

A few years of dating later they got married. They adopted some dogs and some kids and they lived happily ever after.

* * *

 **And it's over! This has been really fun to write.**

 **The visual novel should be about 70% done when this chapter is put in. My goal is to have it finished before the end of August. I'll see you later!**


End file.
